Getting through the tough times.

Ok. Get this, a friend of mine is having some personal issues. 
His counselor gave him this book called 'Getting through the tough times" 
Obviously he was thrilled -_-.
This abomination is filled with the wondrous joys of god and the angels. Sniffing furniture polish, and writing on yourself with red texta. 
Yay. GET ON IT
So we open 'er up to have a look.


The First section is called
WHAT CAN I DO TO SOOTHE MYSELF?
.....ok...
(please keep in mind this is actual suggestions on how to stop self-harm)


THE SENSES:


Smell a: - scented candle
             - The Earth
            - Furniture polish
            - Food

 Wait for it

Uh huh..




Next: Furniture polish?!?! are you SERIOUS...

Other suggestions include:

1. Freeze ice cubes with red food colouring to simulate pain and blood....

and finally.. Drawing on yourself with red texta/pen:

Well done psychologists/psychiatrists of AUSTRALIA!!! 
-insert tinned applause here-

Today I'm feeling rather lazy. and...

 OMA'S GONE!!

It was a hard 4 days, including many an eye twitch from holding my tongue. I do believe that the amount of suppressed rage induced by family matters is building to a tantamount...getting ready to engulf civilization in its fiery depths.

Anyway back to my laziness...

I can't be bothered doing much and I need some cheering up... so I've decided to make an alternative (and slightly vindictive) change to that horrible song 'I Whip my hair back and forth'

1.

No this DOES NOT have anything to do with the family matters earlier mentioned....

Personally I like it better this way.

and its more catchy, AND simply picturing after fighting with anyone works wonders..

Well I think thats going to be it for tonight folks! Hi ho Hi ho..its off to sleep we go!

Untill Neytiri starts playing games that is...

=]

TUESDAY

Dads for dinner tonight!!! ah amazing, any excuse not to cook..or even attempt to cook is very welcome at the moment.
Today is a post about my beautiful baby Neytiri...and the baby games she plays.
I am NOT talking about peek-a-boo either. 
I'm talking about her current favorite passtimes, such as:


Lets wake up and scream just as Mum is dozing off:

 FUCK!

Seriously, I believe that babies have an inbuilt superpower. The ability to sense when their parents are just heading off into a heavenly slumber. Its a conspiracy I know it, every night, no matter what time we go to bed. 

Other Games include:


Number 3 Shit Explosion (Dodge the tidal wave)

This is one of Neytiri's personal favorites. Apparently releasing this toxic concoction which sends the bravest men screaming from the room is the funniest thing in the world to a 5 month old. Imagine this happening at 3am. whilst naked. Yes there is a lot of personal nudity in these posts, but i am morally against Pajamas, like the way Lady GaGa is morally against pants
-rolls eyes-
So yes, a pajama-less DeJana goes to change her daughters nappy, naively thinking that this will be an ordinary nappy. Oh no.


I don't think i should really go into graphic detail but that is how I ended up sitting in the corner of the bathroom in horror at 4am this morning

Dylan found me like this.

And last but not least
I'mgoingtopretendtobeasleepthenscaretheshitoutofyouwhenyoutrytoputmedown


This one could be one of the worst
The rules of the game are:


1. pretend to go to sleep on Mum

2. look as angelic as possible

3. wait until Mum is JUST about to put you into bed 
(specifically: when she looks away for a split second to organise the sheets)

4. let out a BLOODCURDLING SCREAM...as though all of your limbs are being simultaneously mauled by lions

5. Then piss yourself laughing


MY LIFTS HERE GTG
LOVE AND THANKS

Monday...

Monday 


Dylan and I went up to the shops today, and as I was innocently buying smokes, something amazing caught my eye.

Well Howdy!

OMFG UBER LIGHTER!! WANTWANTWANT

So I bought it and Dylan and I (intellectual beings that we are) played with it for 2 hours afterwards...Hell I'm playing with it now. just pressing the button...and watching...the...
Where was I?


Oh yes.
From there we decided that food was in order. 
We went to a generic take-away and Dylan decided on a Bubblegum Energy Drink and Chicken. Bt-dubs that energy drink pretty much amounted to a bowl of sugar, so I am currently bouncing on the couch typing this..and Gypsy's looking at me all: Pathetic human.
Later, walking through Big-W (yeah, we're that cool) Dylan lets out the biggest burp known to mankind. It took a few seconds for it to hit me...and it HIT ME LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING TRUCK! 


CHICKEN-BUBLEGUM DISASTER

and it wasn't one of those one second 'God that stinks' moment...This was one Big-ass bastard.
We attempted fleeing to the next aisle but THE PRICK FOLLWED US
As we were coming back around i swear to God I heard someone in the aisle say "Fuck that smells like shit!" 
(I know theres copious amounts of swearing but this particular shopping center is probably one of the boganest(?) in Australia. 


At the moment Dylan's whining from the bedroom because I took the lighter off of him for getting dangerously close to the pillows, which I don't doubt are flammable.


Well, Oma's home from the casino. Better go.

Real Grown ups

The countdown has ended. 
She is here
Hide your young

Thats right, my grandma's down "for a few days". As a result of which we have been cleaning like real grown ups. 
The only problem is trying to look at a messy house like a real grown up. 
Where a real grown up looks at a mess and thinks "once I fix it, it'll be done and dusted then i can relax"
My brain = OH GOD THERES SO MUCH TO DO, I'LL DIE BEFORE I FINISH IT......

Overreaction to cleaning perhaps?
I Didn't think so..

Fuckkit 
-flops on couch and studiously ignores the mess in the house...aka...ignores all surroundings bar the laptop-


This was Saturday night and as we are such social kings we were spending the night at home watching Doctor Who and Family Guy, at about 10:30 Dylan and I decided the time was ripe for sleeping and proceeded to the bedroom. After wading through clothes and junk to get to the bed I attempted to get some sleep. Just as i was dozing off Neytiri wakes up for a feed. 
Great.


I get back into bed and our cat Gypsy was all

I ignored her breathing down my neck because I know that once I begin the patting cycle...it never ends. I'm fairly sure Gypsy knew I was only pretending to be asleep because just as I was falling asleep she peed on my leg, all over the covers straight through to the sheet.
This is pretty much how that went: 
Me: aww she's cuddling up on my leg, she's so nice, I love my kitty....What the fuck is warm
GYPSYYYYY YOU BASTARD 


-Chases through house naked screaming at-

Then I realized that Dylan's little brother (Squid) was staying the night, and was sitting on our couch wondering why the hell I was stampeding up and down the hallway screaming about gypsy's.
At this point i decided that the Gods were against me sleeping at all that fateful night, so I decided to pull myself out of my guilt-shame spiral and actually do some cleaning.
First things first. 


We needed COFFEE

I Love coffee, I really do.. but I am also a FIEND for sugar. It sends me mad, and when I go mad my laugh turns into that of a chipmunk. So after 2 of our legendary coffees we were


READY TO CLEAN

We ran around in a mad frenzy, LIKE MADMEN WE WERE. We managed to get the house down in just under 3 hours...quite a feat in my opinion.
Then


DISASTER STRIKES

I hate refraining from screaming when a situation clearly calls for it, but the baby was asleep. So I gave a rather pathetic squeak and fled from the room. Squid had no idea what was going on until the spider began approaching him for HIS man-flesh (woman-flesh?). Then he too proceeded to flee. 
All spiders need to die, horrifically in my opinion, so I sent brave Squid back into the spiders midst armed with one of my $2 thongs from Big W, warning him that if i couldn't see the blood on my shoe i would know he hadn't killed it and he would not be allowed out of the room until it was dead.

Once squid had satisfied me (sounds great) he was allowed out of the bathroom.


JOY!!


The Cleaning was COMPLETE
Unfortunately the coffee hadn't worn off, wide eyed and bored out of our brains, we turned to early morning infomercials, 10 minutes later we wanted to kill ourselves.
So we decided that 4am was the perfect time to do some baking
We were wrong. 


I hit a brick wall, died on the inside, and realised i was more tired than i had been EVER
so we watched Dr Who and passed out




So yeah, first blog post, hope you enjoyed it.